Memories -

One of my favorite "mom memories" - I opened the back door and saw Matthew, about age 10, completely covered in mud, standing next to a friend about his age. I laughed and told him to make sure he hosed off before he came into the house. As I turned away, Matthew's friend said "Dude, your mom is COOL!"

Hey, at least once in my motherhood, I was cool!

While I was in AZ, I marveled at some of my sister's artwork. Silently, I thought to myself "What thing of value or beauty have I contributed to the world?" Almost instantly, the answer came - "You have raised four wonderful young men"

I was looking at a gallery of 20+ cat shaming photos and suddenly a picture of the lovely Scarlett Johanson popped up. I said "that isn't a cat!" - Joshua glanced over and said "Oh, no, THAT is a fox!"

So, some thoughts have been buzzing around in my head as I returned to the home nest that has hubby and three boys living in it, and I find myself more tired at the end of the day than I was staying in AZ with my sister. I realized that, as a mom, I am constantly monitoring the mood and disposition of every family member I am around and running mental algorithms to measure happiness levels due to tone and facial expressions, and then altering my communication after using predictive programming to try to increase happiness levels and get desired responses. Additional routines I run prioritize the immediate importance of my subjects - Keith gets special priority when he gets home from work, for example. Further, I seem to absorb my results, feeling bad if I do not have everyone content enough. Something I need to get used to and factor into my equations is that not all happiness is under my control and I need to keep things that I perceive as less than idea from getting me down.
This has been a little exhausting, and I am sure that it will become a subconscious subroutine in my day soon, but I found my realization of it to be interesting-

From MY childhood - I loved today--getting to see a few of my favorite people (Becky Shumway Hansen, Rachel Singleton) at my favorite place this morning, then for lunch I bumped into Jenna Farnes at ,my favorite Mexican Food Restaurant as I had scheduled a luncheon date with a friend from my way-way past. "Leslie" was three years old when we met, I was about ten years older than she. Her dad picked me up in a cool old van, invited me to sit in the back with one of the cutest 3 year olds I'd ever met, and the adorable little thing just watched me with an apprehensive eye. At the time I thought that she was going to be a "tough nut to crack" but before long she opened up and we became very good friends. From then on babysitting for the Stanton's became my favorite gig. I lost touch with her for many years until I found her on Facebook a few years ago. She lives back east but posted that she'd be back in AZ for a limited time. We arranged a meet up and that was today. I can't say that we picked up where we left off, but something amazing happened and I felt like I found another best friend (I have LOTS of best friends). Thank you Leslie , I call that kind of visit therapy. Safe travels back to your sweet family tomorrow and thank you for making time for me. You are amazing! Like Leslie proclaimed when we were being walked to our table at Gecko Grill, viva la Facebook! -jer  Jeriann Keeling

DH decided to install the wonder toilet today - without knowing where the water turnoff is for the house. Gallons jetting out hitting him in the face, he couldn't see to put on the next part. Nothing like a flood to float away the post holiday doldrums!

Just finished hiding the presents - hubby says I have Christmas confused with Easter! We put clues on each present to lead the kids to the next one - stretches out our Christmas fun and the kids like the search almost more than opening them! Merry Christmas everyone!

Good news! Joshua found a program he really likes to get certifications in IT! He starts classes on Dec 21- woot, woot! He is doing My Computer Career - we went and toured and were very impressed. As far as certifications - there are a lot of letters involved! I know some are Microsoft, Cisco, and something else, along with training in setting up and solving problems with tablet usages in offices, and security and encryption training. It is an 8 month program, and they usually get you placed into a job when you get your 2nd cert (about 2 months in), and you move along from job to job as you get certified in different areas, so you are building your skills and resume and making money too.

Dec 2012 Ok- gotta do one gripe, then I promise to be positive today. 

It is complete STUPID that my body needs to sleep so long to awake feeling OK and then I only get a few minutes to take a shower before the pain in my back sends me down again. I can get to the car to sit and to somewhere to sit, but if I have to stand for even a few minutes, I end up going back to bed with a heavy duty pain pill to knock me out. I was researching kitchens for wheelchairs last night- since I have been unable to stand even to cook noodles for weeks. I am thankful for a sweet patient hubby that helps and is so understanding, but I am kind of freaking out about trying to get a job and having this going on again.
End gripe.

Sammi-cat has the spirit of Christmas! Got up in the wee hours to check on some lights the boys left on, and there was a little dead mouse carefully laid by the Christmas tree-I could see where she tried to polish it - it had all been licked very well

The delightful fate of my Modern Abstract Algebra book- I am finally smiling! - photo of a bonfire in AZ

Matthew and Leah are now 100% completely and absolutely finished with getting married! Welcome to the crazy Watkins family Leah - too late to change your mind now! And I now have a girl to hang out with - finally!

More Random Past Posts

April 2015
Happy Sabbath day! Yesterday we found a pain relief thing at the Woman's Expo, and today I made it through the three hour block of church for the first time in probably 2 years. I am very very happy!!

April 2015

I have been reading the Old Testament in the mornings, and in my mind came my own scripture-

"And in those days, Leslie dwelt in the land of Carolina - yea, even the north - and she did bare many mighty sons unto her husband. And her heart did delight in the words of the Lord, albeit not perfectly. For her eyes did wax weary in the chapters of the begats and she did skim in the numberings of the tribes-"

Feb 2015

I have a new saying to live by -

If you are going to feel like crap in Feb, it may as well be in the AZ sunshine, next to a pool, with your sister/best friend!

June 2015
So, at church today was testimony meeting, which means that anyone who wants to can get up and share from the pulpit. I got up today and said a couple of things, but as I looked out on the congregation, I saw my brothers and sisters. I saw strength, and struggles, and good examples for me and my family. Everyone has different trials, different challenges that make them stretch and grow. Some of the challenges we can see, but so many of them are hidden away and dealt with privately. This may not be a "testimony meeting", but I want to tell all of you - my brothers and sisters on facebook- that I admire you and care for you and pray for you. I know that we are not perfect, and some days we just grit our teeth and wait for it to end, but we all need to keep moving forward, trying to improve ourselves and show our love for others. Hang in there!

June 2015

I was thinking about this the other day - and how fiercely I love my children. Each and every one. And I would rather cut off my hand than cut off my child. And I will love who they love, regardless of gender. I haven't had to face that - but I hope it is clear to my boys that they ARE my heart. We may have differences - even loud ones - but at the end of each and every day, my prayers circle around them and my love is here to warm them.

May 2015

Lately at church there seems to be one song each time that resonates with my soul. I have been singing these songs my entire life, but there is more meaning in them now for me.
This week it was Come, Follow Me. We seldom sing the last two verses, but I read them to myself. It is a good reminder that, in every situation we find ourselves, we still need to be faithful and work for God's will and good, and bless the lives of others - "Whate'er our lot or sphere may be". And the promise of "wider fields" expanding to view when we leave this life is exhilarating!

Lyrics

1. "Come, follow me," the Savior said.
Then let us in his footsteps tread,
For thus alone can we be one
With God's own loved, begotten Son.

2. "Come, follow me," a simple phrase,
Yet truth's sublime, effulgent rays
Are in these simple words combined
To urge, inspire the human mind.

3. Is it enough alone to know
That we must follow him below,
While trav'ling thru this vale of tears?
No, this extends to holier spheres.

4. Not only shall we emulate
His course while in this earthly state,
But when we're freed from present cares,
If with our Lord we would be heirs.

5. We must the onward path pursue
As wider fields expand to view,
And follow him unceasingly,
Whate'er our lot or sphere may be.

6. For thrones, dominions, kingdoms, pow'rs,
And glory great and bliss are ours,
If we, throughout eternity,
Obey his words, "Come, follow me."

May 2015

Morning musings -
This past week was so busy - even tho it was filled with things that would normally delight my heart, I was so tied up in getting the next task done that I missed out on the moments that would have held me up and sustained me. The story of Mary and Martha spring to mind - Mary recognized the gift that was put in front of her and took time to cherish and feel the wonder in it. That same gift was available for Martha, but because of her busyness, she did not see it.
Remember in all parts of your lives - don't get so bogged down in tasks, responsibilities, in constantly running, that you don't have time to feel the joy and recognize the shining moments that give your life purpose and delight.

May 2015

So today is a "sit" day. If it weren't for needing to feed bunnies and possums, I probably wouldn't get out of bed, and I definitely wouldn't go down the stairs - so it is probably a good thing I have animals.

After feeding them, I took some food out for the squirrels and bird feeder and sat on the porch. And while I sat, gazing out into the green of our overgrown yard, I heard the birds. There must have been about ten different calls going on - and I thought - God is really fantastic. He could have said "Let there be bird" and we would have one or two kinds of birds that we could eat and use, but He didn't. I can almost picture the experience - like me in a toy store picking out toys for a new baby. "Oooh, they will like the colors on this one!" and "Listen to the pretty sound this one makes! We have to get it too!" Then they are set out here, in all their splendor and beauty for us to enjoy. Isn't that wonderful?

April 2015

For my brother, on joy-

Travis Stanton is doing a study of joy, traveling through Asia, and he is having some rough patches. While in difficulty and misery, how can one find joy? What is the relationship between experiences, and does it do any good to suffer?

It reads in 2 Nephi-
"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things."
"... wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin."

So, I interpret this as saying that to fully comprehend joy, you must have some misery in your life at some time. I think hard times kind of stretch your soul to allow for a deeper level of emotion to enter in and influence you. Shallow people that do not experience troubles do not fully comprehend the wonders of peace and comfort that comes when the troubles are resolved, and we grow because of the experience. Maybe that is why the "upper echelons" of Hollywood and Washington seem to not really be people. Some have been shielded from real experiences, giving them no depth of character and sending them seeking artificial highs with adulation or chemicals, whereas servants like Mother Theresa have seen much sorrow, which deepened her faith and peace, allowing her to celebrate the joy that a small child's smile gave her.

Her service to others is what deepened her and allowed her to feel that level of joy - joy that we can only catch glimpses of without putting in the time, the tears, and the effort.

So, Travis, hang in there, and make this work for your good, and your joy.

Love you, bro!

April 2015

I am reading the Old Testament, and I am now in the book of 1 Samuel, reading about bi-polar Saul and his pursuit of David. I think this must have been the basis of a famous commercial series. If David just carried Snickers bars on him, he could have flipped Saul back into the good guy without all the hassle!

Great - now I want a Snickers bar -

Random Past Posts

I have posted stuff on facebook about pain, or about faith before.  I wanted to get everything collected over here -

September 2013
Heavenly Father sure takes good care of my animals! I woke up this morning suddenly, feeling that I needed to find Sammi-Cat NOW! So I opened the bedroom door so she could come in, feeling a little amused. She wasn't there - or in any of her places she hangs, and didn't come when I called. Searched in the garage - nope. So threw on clothes and went outside (she is an indoor cat). I was directed to the middle of the front yard where I just stood and called for her for about 15 minutes. I couldn't hear her over the cars and birds, and I kept looking up to see if she was in a tree or something, and then she finally trotted up to me. Don't know where she was all night, or why I needed to get her right that minute, but the prodigal cat is safe at home. Shall we kill the fatted mouse? I feel very grateful!


Dec 2014

I am feeling so grateful today- for my blessings, for my family, for the gospel in my life, and for my trials that shape me into the person I am supposed to be. I don't always have that eternal perspective- but today it all seems so clear and present. I love moments of clarity like this, when the cares of this world don't seem to matter for a moment.

I love all of you friends in my life and how you have helped me get to this point, and I am excited to see what else this life has to show me. Thank you for being you!

Nov 2014

Three day headache finally broke this afternoon- few things feel better than "not in pain anymore".

July 2014

I am pleased to announce that I have discovered the cure for the migraine! After throwing everything I had at it for two days, I sent Keith to the grocery store to get what I was craving. The secret cure is Doritos, Orange Sunkist, and Peanut MnM's. It is working for now, at least. Fingers crossed!!

April 2014

It was 10 years ago this month that I found a lump in my 5 year old son's leg and was introduced to the world of childhood cancer. When I look back at that time, what jumps out at me the most are the people - people that I barely knew, or didn't know - that were moved to show me and my family kindness. Some members of our square dance club felt moved to run a fund raiser that covered - almost to the dollar - all of our out of pocket medical expenses. A lady we never met donated a beautiful handmade quilt to raffle off. Miracles and help from quiet places that we never would have thought of looking proved to us over and over that God was watching out for us, and He was using people to be His hands. I am so grateful for the people that were willing to listen to the promptings of His spirit, who were willing to take time to make that sacrifice, to show that extra love. Whether it was helping to feed my children at home while I was in the hospital for "big guns" chemo with Joseph, or bringing in a clean load of laundry, so many wonderful people made a difficult time of our lives easier, and now, ten years later, I am still so thankful that they were listening and willing to serve.

April 2014

SOOOOOO- sat on a cold, wet concrete floor in a skirt today to love on 8 puppies. Got up after 15 minutes, and stood all the way upright for the first time in 3 days! It has been over 6 hours, pretty much pain free.

PUPPY POWER!!!!

March 2014

So, Joshua was following me on the freeway in the rain, driving his new car. I tried to keep right in front of him and kept looking in my mirror to check and make sure he was going the right way. It occurred to me that this was similar to life as my children get older. I have to make my way down the road toward my goal of getting back to my Father in Heaven, and I want my children to follow along. I can't make them go the right way, or steer the car for them- but I keep looking behind me for glimpses of them and pray that they also follow on the right road and not get lost in the mists and storms.

April 2015
It is funny what I measure feeling good by-
This morning I was able to stand and brush my teeth for the full two minutes that the toothbrush runs without hurting and having to turn it off early and go sit down! I find that quite an accomplishment smile emoticon



Ap

Looking for Colors

Yesterday was a gray day - dreary and drizzly, overcast and grim.  I was driving home and thinking about how I needed to go grocery shopping.  Suddenly, at the light, I had three blue cars and one red one around me, and something lifted!  Color triggered some kind of chemical or something, and my energy level rose and I felt better for a moment.  I started considering my upcoming grocery trip - and the discount store I was going to visit.  Every time I go to that store, I come out drained and weary and achey.  The aisles blur by and I go in and rush around on white tile floors, dreading heading up to the self-checkout lanes that ALWAYS seem to have problems.  I keep my eyes on the products on the shelves, or on my list, and mutter to myself as I go through the store (see my previous post about shopping). Then, I remembered the store I found in Ohio that I nicknamed "The Wonder Kroger".  I would drive several miles past the closest grocery store just to shop there. Music played, color was on the walls, and they sold art, furniture, and books beside groceries.  Good smells filled the air and I would stroll through the store, taking my time, and afterwards drive back to my hotel with a smile on my face.

This reminded me of other tasks that I hated to do - driving to work on a congested freeway, or taking a class that I really hated in college.  With the drive I was able to find another route, a little bit longer, that had trees, and a pasture with cows, and a beautiful mill pond.  With the class, I just gritted my teeth the entire semester and wound up with TMJ neck pain - but maybe there could have been another way to deal with it.  Instead of dreading the class, talking about how much I disliked it, and grumbling through the homework, maybe I should have taken a breath and looked for the colors - the good points - and tried to find some way to feel a lift while still accomplishing my goal.  Applying that to my life today, I suppose it can be as easy as putting on some music while I try to clean a little, or choosing to sit on the porch and watch birds at the feeder, instead of staring at my computer screen in my downtime.  And, maybe, when I grocery shop, I can look other shoppers in the face and smile, or slow down through produce and let my eyes drink in the rich colors and textures of the food.  Maybe that will let me get out of the store without feeling like part of my soul has been sucked away.  Or maybe I should look for another grocery store...

Spending Spoons

This weekend, I really wanted to have a good weekend so I could be supportive of my husband, who was all stressed out and miserable.  And, I did!  I would have to lie down for periods between outings, or church, or going out to dinner - but my prayers were answered, and this weekend was good for him.  I was able to pretty much happily do all the things he wanted to do.

The weekend is over now - I was awakened at 4:30 Monday morning with a migraine.  I spent most of Monday miserable.  Now it is Tuesday morning - and I was up four times hurting in the night. Being awake at night gives you lots of time to think, and I want to record the content of my "thinks".

Keith was sorry for me on Monday, and regretting the energy I spent this weekend "overdoing it".  I get lectured often when I am exerting myself - warnings that there will be a bad side coming.  I should just sit, wrapped in cotton wool, when I am feeling good so that I don't ruin it.  But, if I do that, I miss the good things that I can do while I am feeling good.  And I am all ready missing the good things I can't do when I am feeling bad - so I will be basically not living my life, just existing in it, if I do that.

I like to be able to choose where I "spend my spoons" (see http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/ for a great way to understand how we function with chronic pain), and if I am using my good moments to do something for someone else, like sitting at a dance or going for pizza to make my husband happy, I am ok with that.  Or, taking care of my animals, or picking up a little around the house.  I know that this will mean that later in the day I am less likely to feel well, or there is a greater chance of some mind blowing headache - but, let's face it, mind blowing headaches show up anyway sometimes.  I could, I suppose, have a long list of things that I want to do for my good moments.  And that probably isn't a bad idea - I should do that.  A lot of times that requires planning ahead, which is difficult to do, and money, which is hard to come by, and a car, which we are running short on, and energy just to think about it, which I don't have right now.  But I think I will make up a list of things I want to do, write them down, and stick them in a jar and pull one out when I am feeling well.  Instead of a trip to the grocery store, maybe I can go walk around an art museum or a garden for 30 minutes.  Maybe I will even write the ideas on plastic spoons :)

Grocery Shopping Fun

So, this week I learned that there is something worse than shopping hungry - it is shopping hungry AND angry.

Scene: the inside of a grocery store
Characters:
RB - Rational Brain

EB - Emotional Brain

The twins - pain peaks that resemble a couple of four-year-olds stuck in the basket of the cart

Leslie enters the store.  She marches up to the cart racks, wrestles one from the grip of the others, and charges into the store aisles.

EB, muttering: Can't believe all this- I have so HAD it today!  What did I need now?

RB- You were getting some produce for the possums -

Twins, shrieking - CHOCOLATE!!  We will be quiet and let you shop if we get chocolate!!

EB tosses a six-
pack of Hershey bars in the cart, and starts circling produce, hoping that what she needs will leap into the cart as she stomps around the area.

The twins begin tussling in the cart.  One gets hurt and starts to wail.

EB rubs her head and stares blindly at the leafy greens.  She tosses some kind of something into the basket and heads toward the back of the store.

RB- Good, now you need to pick up-

Twins, interrupting - I'VE GOT A BOO BOO!!  Oh, look!  Oreos!!

EB- tosses Oreos into the cart

RB- Is that a good idea?  I mean, you have all ready got chocolate...

EB- DO YOU WANT TO MESS WITH ME??!?  After the day I have had!  What else did I need?

RB- Um, do we have milk?

EB- I don't know -

Wanders up and down a couple more aisle, throwing random things into the cart, ranting silently.

So, with the twins letting out shrieks every couple of aisle, RB loses track of what she was supposed to be remembering, EB compulsively and defensively purchases anything that catches her eye, and Leslie gets home to open the fridge and find no eggs, and nothing to make for dinner.

But, at least there is chocolate and oreos!

Meet Oscar-

Today I want to introduce you to my pain - his name is Oscar, and he is an octopus.  

He is really quite amazing!  Look here to meet Oscar and see what he can do -  He is always with me - today he is stretching himself out so thin and covering my arms and body and holding me down on a chair.  He is stretched over my face so the air that I breathe in is used up and brings me no fresh energy.  But he is thinned out, so there is just an ache and a heaviness all over.  When I walk, he clings to the floor with each step so it takes a lot of effort to move about the room.  Stairs - it is almost impossible, as he grabs the walls and railings and fights me every step.  Once I make it down or up, he will contract to one or two spots and increase suction there to show his displeasure.  Everywhere he touches me drains out energy and causes pain.

Somedays he is quite polite - he finds a little space and curls up and sleeps quietly.  He can change colors and move about quickly.  I find it hardest to get along with him when he grabs my head and neck, turns bright red and squeezes oh, so hard.  

I used to fight with him all the time- I didn't like having an octopus, I didn't ask for one to come and live on me all the time, and I wanted him gone!!  But the more I fought him, the more he would climb onto my face, force me to stare into his eyes, and I could see little else of life. 

 Now,  for the most part, we have made peace.  I know he is there all the time, but mostly I can look at other things, and sometimes, when I am in the right frame of mind, I know that God has given me Oscar for some reason, and I love my Father.  I trust in God to know what I need to become a better person.  I trust in Him to help me carry Oscar.  And by realizing that a loving Heavenly Father has chosen Oscar to be my octopus, sometimes I can love Oscar.