Spending Spoons

This weekend, I really wanted to have a good weekend so I could be supportive of my husband, who was all stressed out and miserable.  And, I did!  I would have to lie down for periods between outings, or church, or going out to dinner - but my prayers were answered, and this weekend was good for him.  I was able to pretty much happily do all the things he wanted to do.

The weekend is over now - I was awakened at 4:30 Monday morning with a migraine.  I spent most of Monday miserable.  Now it is Tuesday morning - and I was up four times hurting in the night. Being awake at night gives you lots of time to think, and I want to record the content of my "thinks".

Keith was sorry for me on Monday, and regretting the energy I spent this weekend "overdoing it".  I get lectured often when I am exerting myself - warnings that there will be a bad side coming.  I should just sit, wrapped in cotton wool, when I am feeling good so that I don't ruin it.  But, if I do that, I miss the good things that I can do while I am feeling good.  And I am all ready missing the good things I can't do when I am feeling bad - so I will be basically not living my life, just existing in it, if I do that.

I like to be able to choose where I "spend my spoons" (see http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/ for a great way to understand how we function with chronic pain), and if I am using my good moments to do something for someone else, like sitting at a dance or going for pizza to make my husband happy, I am ok with that.  Or, taking care of my animals, or picking up a little around the house.  I know that this will mean that later in the day I am less likely to feel well, or there is a greater chance of some mind blowing headache - but, let's face it, mind blowing headaches show up anyway sometimes.  I could, I suppose, have a long list of things that I want to do for my good moments.  And that probably isn't a bad idea - I should do that.  A lot of times that requires planning ahead, which is difficult to do, and money, which is hard to come by, and a car, which we are running short on, and energy just to think about it, which I don't have right now.  But I think I will make up a list of things I want to do, write them down, and stick them in a jar and pull one out when I am feeling well.  Instead of a trip to the grocery store, maybe I can go walk around an art museum or a garden for 30 minutes.  Maybe I will even write the ideas on plastic spoons :)